Baby Recipe

Making a baby is a lot like making hummus or meatloaf.  Although there are a few requisite ingredients (only two really), there is no set recipe, and everyone has a slightly different way of going about it.  Here are some general guidelines to help you along:

Preparation time: 2-20 min

Cook time: ~40 weeks @ 98.6F

Difficulty level (scale of 1-10): His = 1,  Hers = 10000

Preparation:  Selecting a partner is a critical step.  Quality is paramount; never settle for good-enough and shop around if you must.  Once a suitable mate is selected, and you’ve decided to make the baby, setting the mood is important.  Again, this step will vary from cook to cook, but I recommend a suave love-song to create an amorous ambience– I always use this one (works every time):

I’ll assume most people who are attempting this recipe have some familiarity with baby-making basics, but if not, this educational Monty Python sketch should bring you up to speed. 

Frequent repeated attempts are recommended.  Results may vary and there is no formula, technique, or setting that guarantees pregnancy.  If all else fails, try sneaking out of the house through a window late at night for a rendezvous in the car; I remember that being pretty effective for people during highschool.   

Guys, during the 40-week cook-time, check on your wife often.  If the pregnancy took, she should be plumping up nicely– like a Ball Park Frank.  WARNING: Do not ever, EVER, comment on the level of plumpness or the plumping rate.  This will likely trigger a moodswing (note: they will also occur without provocation). During the moodswing, just drop to the ground into a ball; protect your head, neck, and vital organs and wait it out.  It should dissipate into heavy rain bands, intermittent wind gusts, and thunderstorms with greatly diminished force within a few hours.  Get up, check yourself for wounds, and immediately apologize. 

Season the baby liberally with Omega-3 fatty acids, vitamins, and whatever the hell mom-to-be wants. 

40 weeks of cooking, and presto– a baby:

We waited until we saw her to decide on her name; it’s Nina.  Going solely on looks, I wanted to name her Magoo, but my vote was resolutley vetoed [shrug].  Now that she’s here, all the work is behind us and we can just relax, right?  Right?  Hello?

Cati’s thoughts: Here’s a very important video that all couples who are considering having children need to see.  It’s funny and true:

11 Responses to “Baby Recipe”

  1. Big congrats, you guys!! Very happy for you.

  2. […] set of friends with a new addition to the family (Nina) – congrats, Alex and […]

  3. Lydia says:

    No mistakes in this recipe. SHE’S BEAUTIFUL!

  4. celinabean says:

    I am so happy for you. She is beautiful.

  5. llcwine says:

    No matter how much the recipe is followed…you are never quite certain of how it will turn out…Nina is gorgeous, congratulations to the parents…one thing is for sure…this child will have great times ahead!!!

  6. Albany Jane says:

    Congrats! Nina is quite cute.

  7. jess says:

    I wonder how old she’ll be when she tries her first oyster…

  8. irene says:

    Ohhhh! You’re so good at cooking that Nina could only be perfect. She’s really beautiful, congratulations!!! Lots of kisses for the 4 of you! (Nacho included, obviously. How is he doing with the baby?).

  9. alex|dimitri says:

    Thank you all for the comments.

    Irene, as for your question– Nacho has been moping around like a dejected suitor. He peed on one of our rugs no less than six times in two days during Nina’s first two days here at the house (normally he never pees inside). I think we broke his little doggie heart. Fortunately, he is snapping out of it; I think he enjoys all the naps we are taking, but he is definitely not as fond of our daughter as we are.

  10. Lori says:

    Had to let you know that your daughter is even more beautiful in person than she appears in pictures. I was sitting at the counter at the Miss Albany Diner Sunday when your family came in, and having read your blog thought that it might be you. I would have said hello but would have felt extremely stupid if it wasn’t! Anyway, I hope you didn’t have to wait too long for a table.

  11. alex|dimitri says:

    aw shucks, what a sweet thing to say. Thanks.